i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
