I think I died a long time ago.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
