My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
