I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
