Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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