apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
