The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
