I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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