Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
