ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
