I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
