My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
