Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
