Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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