I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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