i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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