I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
