Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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