i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
