I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
