Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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