you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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