I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
