does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
