she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
