im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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