it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
