Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
