his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
