i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
