Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
