I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
