My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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