I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
