Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
