I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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