Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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