Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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