Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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