I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD