i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that