Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.