when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.