I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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