Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
