this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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