got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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