Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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