Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
