burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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