You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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