Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
