we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's just like the Real World with babies
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
