i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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